Motherfuckin’ draw.

So the USA-Portugal match ended in a draw, 2-2. And I was like, ANYARE PORTUGAL?!

I really wanted Portugal to win this, mainly because I have ill feelings against Imperialist America. I honestly thought Portugal would win because CR7 was looking mighty fine and hyped when the game was just about to start. Then Nani scored in the fifth minute, snagging a 1-0 lead that carried over until the end of the first half. Oh yes, there was also one lucky save by Costa—and he’s not even Portugal’s GK. The odds were in their favor, right? RIIIIGHT?

But nah. The Imperialists started catching up in the second half. Jones scored with a frickin’ smooth kick that Beto—the actual Portugal GK—did not even bother to swat away (the ball swerved right in). Then Zusi—who, to me, was the best Imperialist on the pitch—crossed the ball to Dempsey who scored their second goal with a forward thrust.

Yep, that was a crotch-ball right there.

Then the Imperialists celebrated like China just sunk into the depths of the Pacific Ocean. A win against Portugal guarantees them a spot in the next round, and they’re now on their way to group round victory with 2-1. All they had to do was maintain possession and waste time (Dempsey was SLOOOOWLY limping when he got subbed away). They were decently getting by, actually—until CR7 did an amazing cross in the last minute! Like literally a few seconds away before the ref blew his whistle!

That’s CR7 with a great cross to Varela who headed the ball into the goal guarded by an understandably complacent Howard.

Aaaaaaand the Imperialists were shocked and heart broken. After a surprising equalizer, their mighty high asses were pulled back to Earth as they still have to do more work to get out of Group H. That last minute Portuguese goal totally bitch-slapped their prematurely joyous faces. If anything, I bet any American who tuned in to this match will never say “soccer is boring” again.

Hay. I guess it’s all right that it ended in a draw. At least it’s not a win for the US, eh? Assuming that the Imperialists will not fix their match against another imperialist Germany, Ghana could still advance. Portugal still has a chance, albeit it’s a little slimmer. They’re currently buried with a -4 goal differential, and they need a wide gap against Ghana (and for Germany to mercilessly slaughter the US) to get out of the group. Aw, I feel so bad for CR7.

image

(I know saying CR7 sounds so pretentious, but I don’t want to mention his full name every damn time. And I don’t think sticking with just Ronaldo will work, as it will just warrant the usual follow up, “Ronaldo Brazil o Ronaldo Portugal?” So CR7 it is.)

Hay buhay, this World Cup has been totally sucking any sense of productivity out of me. I should finish my freaking paper by today, god be damned!

 

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